Faith and Sexuality
Story by: Kelly Spencer
Coming out publicly was a monumental moment for my faith intersecting with my sexuality. Because of wonderful people who have walked with me over time, way before I knew I was queer, I had a solid foundation as I came to realize my sexual identity. I had no question about God’s love for me, my place in the church, or my calling in life. The hard part for me was gaining the language to communicate my understanding.
My coming out was hand in hand with continued revelation of my calling. My sexuality had to be connected to my faith. That’s the only way I understood it. Reflecting back, I see this as an incredible blessing.
The most challenging part of preparing my post was wrestling with the significant majority of southern, conservative, “traditional” folks connected to me on my social media sites. Being from the South and being from a churchy background (take that to mean what you will), I had witnessed and stood beside friends who came out and battled negative comments and reactions. As I poured my heart and soul into the wording and manner in which I was deciding to share myself and my love with the world, I tried desperately to foresee the questions, doubts, and struggles that may accompany such a post. I knew a lot of the typical arguments. I knew way too many people’s political and social opinions based on the articles and materials they choose to share. I knew that not all of the pushback would come directly to me, and instead may get thrown on the shoulders of my close friends and family. The weight of this kind of process can be crushing.
Here is where I found it important to return to my faith. I choose to fall back on the faith I have in the love of God that cannot be changed by a post, a comment, a hateful message, a nasty phone call, a disappointed text message, or really any human interaction whatsoever. I crafted my post so that scripture was first. Psalm 103: Let all that I am praise the Lord. With my whole heart, I will praise God’s name. Then I invited people to walk with me through this journey - things that made sense, things that blew my mind, things that came together after the fact.
Most importantly, I decided to invite people to ask questions. That’s how I experience faith, so that’s how I chose to invite people to encounter my sexual identity as well.
“Ask me about this process. Ask me about my theology. Ask me about my incredible partner. Ask me anything you want.”
We were meant to do life in community. And that can be broken and messy and convicting. Hopefully (and I pray) it can also be respectful and kind and Christ-centered regardless of our disagreements or misunderstandings or newness to conversation like this. I promise to do my best to love you no matter where you fall in all of these things. I’ve learned the benefit of being part of an uplifting and life-giving and redeeming community. I pray that only grows from here. I am willing to pursue this truth because I have seen what God can do and I believe God is working in my life (and yours) for good. In the process, I will continue to let all that I am praise the Lord.
Celebrating a full year of being out just the past weekend, I cannot help but return to the reality that people needed to hear my message. More than 750 people reacted (likes and hearts) to my post. 139 people commented. Even more sent me personal messages and calls. And not a single one was harmful. While this is only a third of the people connected to me on social media, I still think this says something. People needed to hear my message. Specifically, people needed to hear my message connected with my faith. And, I believe they still do. So, I live boldly, welcoming folks to come along with me without letting their choice to join or abstain affect the love I have for the God who holds my heart.
Here is the full post for reference:
Long but important read:
Psalm 103:1 - Let all that I am praise the Lord. With my whole heart, I will praise God’s name.
I am being called to use all that I am to praise the Lord.
More specifically, I am being called to own my queer identity with my whole heart to praise God’s name and serve God’s people.
I fall in love with people’s hearts more than people’s genders. I find myself more in the middle of the gender-expression spectrum. I am not a mistake. I am not mistaken. God has done some amazing work in my heart for me to understand and celebrate that truth. And God has given me the strength to come out and share my experience so that we all may better understand what it means to be love in this world.
I have spent my whole life believing you’re supposed to fit in. You’re supposed to meet everyone’s expectations. You’re supposed to be and do what you’re told, even if that doesn’t match what you feel. You’re supposed to put everyone else first.
Then I came to seminary. I came to seminary and found a community that celebrates questioning and wrestling and pursuing. I came to seminary and found space to breathe for the first time in my life. I came to seminary and found support in a way I didn’t even know existed. I came to seminary and found that I have to step outside of what I’ve always just accepted to make sure that the way I see and live my life is true and inclusive and Christ-centered. I came to seminary and found that I have to be fully and authentically myself in order to best serve God’s people.
And I learned just how important it is to follow God’s voice and God’s voice only. I learned the freedom that is intended for us by being open to loving ourselves and loving whomever it is that holds our hearts. I learned what it means to love people even if they disagree with you on the most important things and even if they hurt you in the deepest ways. I learned you can be appreciated and supported and even encouraged to be whomever it is God is calling you to be. I learned I could be loved for exactly who I am.
That love looks absolutely nothing like what I expected. Because that love looks a lot like being intentionally pursued. It looks like a person who leads me to Christ in every single moment. It looks like someone who is excited by and fully supportive of my call to the church. It looks like falling in love with someone’s heart. It looks like tons of non-traditional dates and laughing until our abs are sore and a huge smile I haven’t been able to wipe off my face since the day we met. It looks like deep conversations and openness to vulnerability and sharing in all of life together, even the really hard stuff. It looks like summer soccer and house shows and concerts in Philly and half marathons at the shore and endless 90s rom-coms.
This love looks like a beautiful woman named Katie.
Along the way, I’ve learned it’s important to celebrate all of who I am and the work God is doing in my life and in my heart. None of this changes who I am or the values I hold or the call I have to serve the church or my identity as a child of God. Actually, this only helps me live better into those truths. I feel free and affirmed and loved and closer to God than I ever have. And that is something to be celebrated!
Needless to say, this year has been huge. This has been a lot for me to process and I’m sure it’s a lot for those around me, too. So I am opening a conversation. Ask me about this process. Ask me about my theology. Ask me about my incredible partner. Ask me anything you want. We were meant to do life in community. And that can be broken and messy and convicting. Hopefully (and I pray) it can also be respectful and kind and Christ-centered regardless of our disagreements or misunderstandings or newness to conversation like this. I promise to do my best to love you no matter where you fall in all of these things. I’ve learned the benefit of being part of an uplifting and life-giving and redeeming community. I pray that only grows from here. I am willing to pursue this truth because I have seen what God can do and I believe God is working in my life (and yours) for good. In the process, I will continue to let all that I am praise the Lord.