How do I know if I’m queer?

I don’t think anyone or anything can determine if you are queer or not. I’m assuming that if you’re asking the question, there’s a good chance you have an inkling that you might be – or maybe you’re just curious in general, and that’s great! All I can offer through this response is naming that sexuality looks different for every person. As for me, I identify as queer. I’ve known that I was queer from a very, very early age. The youngest I can remember had to have been when I was in kindergarten and I didn’t want to wear a dress on the first day of school because I wanted to rough house with the boys like I always did. I shopped in the boys sections for back to school clothes, all my toys were trucks and tools related, and I shivered at the idea of every having to wear pink. For years, I chalked this up to being a tomboy and being a tomboy didn’t mean that I liked girls, because I had crushes on boys! But I also thought girls in my class were cute. Now, as a twenty-seven year old, I fully embrace these complexities. I still shop in the men’s section, and I’ve got short hair and have been very seriously dating a woman for the last two years. But I become sexually unhinged with any tall, brooding man with a beard or similarities to Vin Diesel so, there’s that. That’s why I use the word queer. 

Queer. I love this word the most because I feel like it is ambiguous enough to match my fluidity given the day. I identify as a woman, who is attracted to women and men (and all genders in between). Lesbian feels too constricting, as I have been both in love with men and sexually attracted to men (and still am). So, I use the word queer – the beautiful, umbrella kind of word when anyone asks me how I identify. It’s important for me to name my stories aren’t your stories, and you may not see yourself in my experiences – and that’s wonderful! But I’ll give you some of my stories anyways. These are the stories as I look back I say to myself, “I should have come out much sooner.” And these are some of my favorite stories (and ones my friends always look forward to hearing) called:

1. Vancouver, WA 2001 

Imagine me: nine years old, painfully shy, and a chubby tomboy sitting down with her Dad on a Friday night with pizza and a movie, as is the routine every week. My mom and my sister had gone out to Bingo (it was a very lively town), so that just left the two of us to watch the movie my father had selected. Now, my parents never shied away from showing my sister and I movies that we definitely shouldn’t have been watching at such a young age. For example, when my sister was three, my parents let her watch The Terminator and the next day, my sister apparently said the word “fuck” at daycare. The 90’s were a different time, but I digress. The movie my dad had chosen was a blockbuster hit Charlie’s Angel’s starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, and Lucy Liu. I’d never seen this movie before but was at the edge of my seat as the first sequence showed these beautiful women doing badass saving the world from bad guys sort of thing. I remember blushing wildly with my jaw slightly ajar during a scene in which Lucy Liu flipped her hair in slow motion. I was self aware enough to know that I didn’t want to be Lucy Liu – I wanted to be with  Lucy Liu. (As much as a nine-year-old could, which is like, holding her hand). 

 2. Middle School, 2007 

I’ve just reached the point of my life where all my friends and classmates have started to notice the opposite sex. I’m in eighth grade and my friends wanted to go see a movie on a Friday night. Now, almost all my friends are boys except for the two of my girl friends that came with us that night. Looking back now, I was wildly in love with one of my gal pals and here’s how I knew: 

• I wanted all of her attention and really liked it when she would playfully hold my hand 

• I was very jealous when one of my guy friends announced that he was planning on kissing her after the movie. I told him it was a bad idea because I heard she has a virus.  

• I wrote her a note that once said, “I wish you were a boy – you’d be the perfect person to date!” 

I could go on, but I think you get what I’m trying to say here. 

3. High School, 2009 

I fell in love and dated a boy on and off for a few years. He was wonderful, kind, and moody. He was the first boy that I thought of as more than just a buddy and we explored our sexuality with each other in the most awkward but beautiful ways. We broke up constantly because sometimes we wouldn’t talk for months - it was very high school but I think of him fondly as my true first love. (Next to Lucy Liu that is.) 

4. To keep this brief and PG, most if not all of my sexual fantasies were with women.