Space at the Table

Reviewed by: Missy Roberts

Bibliographic Information: Harper, Brad, and Drew Harper. Space at the Table: Conversations Between an Evangelical Theologian and His Gay Son. Portland, OR: Zeal Books, 2011. 224 pages. $12.87. ISBN: 9780997066906.

Content warning: non-affirming, conversion therapy  

Summary of Thesis

The book, Space at the Table: Conversations Between an Evangelical Theologian and His Gay Son, is a story written jointly by Drew Harper and his father, Brad Harper. While the book is not written as an argumentative piece per se, its mere existence provides an argument in itself. As the title suggests, Drew is gay, and his father is a conservative evangelical theologian. To claim that they have not always seen eye-to-eye would be a gross understatement. Yet, their co-authorship testifies to the fact that despite deep-seated differences surrounding views on theology, sexuality, and morality, it is possible to work at a loving relationship characterized by dialogue, empathy, and mutual respect. In fact, it has even been possible in their case to collaborate on a life-giving, encouraging, eye-opening project. Both Brad and Drew Harper argue that maintaining a positive, loving relationship with one another despite their differences has led to the best possible outcome and been well worth the work. This is because, as Brad expresses, “life is about relationships. If that is true, then it applies even to families torn apart by battles over sexuality” (180).  

Analysis of Argument

The argument presented by this father and son duo is profoundly, powerfully persuasive. While Drew and Brad acknowledge that not every queer person has the luxury of cultivating a healthy, safe, and affirming relationship with his/her/their parents, they demonstrate that when possible, this is the preferred option. Drew and Brad both trace their journeys of discovering and coming to terms with Drew’s sexual orientation, as well as of grappling with faith. Each is able to tell his story with his own voice without an agenda of attempting to change the other’s mind as an outcome. Both perspectives are characterized by poignant humor, loss, joy, despair, and above all, honesty and humanity. Each paints the other as a multifaceted, goodhearted, compassionate—albeit broken—human being, rather than as a cold and detached monster. Each affords grace to the other and admits and apologizes for his own shortcomings and mistakes. For example, throughout writing this book and revisiting some of his worst moments with his son, Brad openly confronts the truth that he is one of the causes of Drew’s trauma—specifically, by forcing his participation in conversion therapy. This honesty with self, son, and the world before God testifies to the power of a personal, loving relationship to transform one’s perspective. Brad then uses this insight gained from his personal experience with Drew to inform other parents of how to support and communicate with their gay child. In particular, he adamantly opposes conversion therapy for minors, though he once advocated for it.  

Assessment of Book and Influence on Personal Thinking

This book has given me tremendous hope for engaging with peers, family members, and strangers whose worldviews and beliefs drastically differ from my own. So often, due to fear, we demonize and create caricatures out of those with whom we disagree. We are unable and unwilling to understand their language, see from their vantage point, or even acknowledge their humanity. We are so concerned with being heard that we forget to listen. Drew and Brad Harper demonstrate that this is not God’s will for us. Both do so by affording the other the complexity that comes along with being a human being, rather than simply a label or singular trait. They assume the best of each other, knowing that each is doing the best he can to operate out of a place of Christ-like love and understanding. They encourage readers to do the same, whether they are conservative Christian parents or LGBTQ+ children. Brad Harper admits that at times, his son’s sexual orientation was the least of his concerns. More often, he worried about Drew’s physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing in relation to high-risk drug and sex behaviors and the abandonment of his Christian faith. In his narration of these thoughts, Brad demonstrates a deep love and concern for his son rather than a desire to be correct or to impose a strict moral standard. This lack of condemnation that characterizes Brad’s communication throughout the book thoroughly surprised me given his conservative evangelical background, and it reminded me a lot of Jesus. Reading this book challenged my stereotypes of the hateful, gay-bashing homophobes that I often assume conservative evangelicals to be. Drew also does a fantastic job of welcoming me to confront these assumptions by the way he humanizes and empathizes with his father. Yet, while I strongly desire to believe the argument of this book, and while I commend its authors for their commitment to mutual respect and understanding, I struggle to understand how a member of the LGBTQ+ community could feel fully loved and accepted by parents who believe at their core that their child’s behavior—and thus identity—are contradictory to the will of God.  

Reflection on Subject Matter and Recommended Readers

This book would serve as a wonderful resource for parents and relatives of LGBTQ+ individuals, especially those rooted in more conservative religious traditions. It is filled not only with an extensive, back-and-forth dialogue that interweaves two related narratives, but it also includes shorter sections with helpful advice and answers to frequently asked questions related to topics such as: maximizing the chances of staying in relationship with the child and his/her/their partner given one’s religious convictions, avoiding discussion of the possible “causes of homosexuality” and treatment of the child as a problem to be fixed, caring for the child’s psychological wellbeing given the cruelty he/she/they must no doubt already confront in society, and showing concern for the child’s safety and health without further stigmatizing conditions like AIDS, which have been highly politicized. Space at the Table may also be helpful for certain members of the LGBTQ+ community who are struggling to relate and connect with parents who do not seem capable of understanding them. Yet, the book seems to simultaneously put a lot of pressure on queer folk to educate and create safe spaces for their parents, while they themselves may be still be at a loss for such spaces and may grow tired of constantly needing to translate their identity and experiences into something more easily digestible for others. Drew Harper illustrates the many ways in which he had to assume the role of parent to his own father. As Audre Lorde expresses, “Oppressed peoples are always being asked to stretch a little more, to bridge the gap between blindness and humanity.” Still, this book provides a hopeful alternative to the all-too-common narrative of familial disintegration resulting from conservative parents’ refusal to see their gay child’s identity as valid, beloved, and God-given. The authors accomplish this by giving witness to the power of telling one’s story, finding one’s voice, and recognizing humanity in the “other.”