Unashamed

Reviewed by: Riley Pickett

Intended Audience: Some sexually suggestive content (depending on viewer), fire, bullying

Bibliographic Information: Cantorna, Amber. Unashamed: A Coming-Out Guide for LGBTQ Christians. Louisville, Kentucky: Westminster John Knox Press, 2019. 178 pages. $16.00. ISBN: 9780664265052.

In the introduction of Unashamed, Amber Cantorna explains clearly why she wrote the book: there was an overwhelming need for writing devoted solely to the topic of coming out to conservative families. She describes receiving hundreds of emails and messages on social media addressing this very topic and reaching out for guidance. So, even though she had just finished a memoir and national book tour, Cantorna wrote the book out of her own compassion and love for the LGBTQ community. Cantorna herself is a lesbian woman who grew up in a conservative context. She has been through the coming out process herself, and she uses her own story along with the stories of others to write with true empathy and heartfelt compassion. The intended audience is identified in the very title of book: LGBTQ Christians, specifically, LGBTQ Christians who come from a conservative family or community. In the introduction of the book, she names her audience and her purpose in writing. The book is “a tool to guide you along your path to healing and wholeness” (Cantorna), and is best read in order as each chapter builds upon the next. She desires to walk alongside LGBTQ Christians in their journey of coming out, self-acceptance, healing, and empowerment while at the same time providing guidance and solidarity.  

The book is comprised of ten chapters, and I will summarize each briefly. Chapter one confronts internalized homophobia/transphobia by defining terms and explaining the process of internalization. She starts to explain and explore shame vs. guilt and advocates for reading scripture through a lens free from shame, but does not unpack the clobber passages (she does, however, point to resources). Chapters two, three, and four “discuss specific ways of fostering self-acceptance” (17). Specifically, chapter two gives practical ways of building self-acceptance. Chapter three discusses building an affirming community, whether that’s a church community or online community. She points to websites and specific tips for creating community. Chapter four is about discerning whether you are ready to come out and she talks about preparing mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. It discusses scenarios such as people outing you, feeling pressured to come out, and coming out to some people and not to others. Chapter five is about taking the leap and coming out to loved ones. It goes through options for how to tell people (phone, letter, face-to-face, etc.) and what to say. This means providing specific phrases to use and avoid when talking to loved ones who may not know correct terms and need them modeled. Chapter six covers setting healthy boundaries. Chapter seven gives strategies for tending to one’s soul. In other words, self-care. This chapter suggests intentional actions like getting a pet, trying a new hobby, etc. Chapter eight addresses conditional love (ex: I love you, but…) and includes crowdsourced phrases that have been harmful to LGBTQ people. Chapter nine is on grief and coping with loss in the aftermath of coming out. It lays out the stages of grief, giving examples of phrases that demonstrate characteristics of each stage. It’s important to note that this chapter does mention suicide and other distressing topics like conversion therapy. Chapter ten, the shortest chapter at just four pages, is about embracing oneself and sends the reader out into the world with the truth reverberating in our minds: “the God who created you loves you exactly as you are” (154).  

In what Cantorna is trying to do, which she makes clear in the introduction, she is effective. She is aiming at a practical and heartfelt resource, and she follows through. The book is indeed very practical as it reads like a step-by-step guide. Although she isn’t a pastor, the book reads pastorally; it is affirming, loving, and warm. She uses her own story and the stories of others to back up her claims and suggestions. She openly admits her areas of weakness (for example, Biblical interpretation) and points to resources on the pics she doesn’t cover. This book doesn’t unpack Scripture and doesn’t pretend to. She is simply responding to real questions that have been directed to her about how to actually do the thing of coming out. It’s first and foremost practical. It stems from her own experience and the hundreds of stories that have been shared with her. Therefore, it is genuine. Cantorna isn’t trying to convince anyone of anything; she’s not trying to convert non-affirming people into affirming people. There are no apologetics. Instead, she speaks truth to LGBTQ Christians and offers all that she has to her community.  

Cantorna speaks to LGBTQ Christians who have experienced great loss, sorrow, and shame. For that audience, this book uplifts and empowers. It does what it intends to do. The book provides not only affirmation and Cantorna’s own theology, but also practical and real-life suggestions about how to come out to loved ones, cultivate a healthy spiritual and emotional life, do self-care, set boundaries, build community, and practice radical self-acceptance. A lot of these things were good reminders for me, but not necessarily new information. I’ve been fortunate enough to be in therapy for many years and to have read many books on these topics already. I would recommend this book to LGBTQ Christians who are about to begin or are in the process of coming out to conservative families, friends, or communities. Cantorna is a white, cisgender, lesbian woman from a conservative background, and an audience who resembles her context would benefit most from this book. The book doesn’t focus on trans peoples’ specific experience, nor does it include intersections of race. It also may not be entirely applicable to someone whose family, friends, and community are already affirming. With this said, it’s also important to note that this book isn’t just for those who haven’t come out, but is also for those who have already come out or those who have gone back into the closet due to fear or lack of safety. While this book deals in practical terms and some sections may not be useful for every person, the overall message of the book—that your experience is valid, that you are not alone, and that you have nothing to be ashamed of—can apply to all LGBTQ Christians regardless of their place in the coming out process. Her sections at the end of each chapter make this a book I would also recommend to the friends and family who love an LGBTQ Christian and want to learn how to love them better. The content in chapter eight that discusses harmful phrases to avoid would be especially important for allies to read. Accessible and appropriate for a wide range of ages, Unashamed is a great starting place for LGBTQ Christians beginning the process of coming out, those who have already come out and are struggling with family members and friends who are non-affirming, or those struggling with their own internalized homophobia/transphobia.