Pronouns are used in every day speech and writing to take the place of people's names. We frequently use them without thinking about it. Often, when speaking of someone in the third person, these pronouns have a gender implied. These associations are not always accurate or helpful.

You can’t know what someone’s pronouns are by looking at them. Mistaking or assuming peoples' pronouns without asking first, mistakes their gender and sends a harmful message. Asking and correctly using someone’s pronouns is one of the most basic ways to show your respect for their gender identity.

It is a privilege to not have to worry about which pronoun someone is going to use for you based on how they perceive your gender. If you have this privilege, yet fail to respect someone else’s gender identity, it is not only disrespectful and hurtful, but also oppressive. Respecting gender identity is an important part of being a queer ally and creating safe, positive spaces.

But I’ve always used a particular pronoun for this person, why do I have to change that now?

It takes a lot of courage and trust for someone to come out and to express what they would like for people to use to refer to them. You don’t get a free pass because you are someone’s parent/sibling/childhood friend/family member. You are just making them uncomfortable and reinforcing that you aren’t supportive or a safe person.

How do I even ask someone about their pronouns?

There are many respectful ways to ask someone about their pronouns. First, make sure that you have shared your own pronouns. Doing so is the best way to encourage other people to share their pronouns, to help make them more comfortable to share their pronouns with you.

Here are a few examples of how to ask:

Hi, my name is Gloria and I use she/her/hers pronouns. You?
Sorry, I forgot to ask. I use they/them pronouns. How about you?
Can you remind me which pronouns you use?

What are some commonly used pronouns?

She/her/hers and he/him/his are a few commonly used pronouns. Some people call these “female/feminine” and “male/masculine” pronouns, but many avoid these labels because not everyone who uses he feels like a “male” or “masculine.”

There are also lots of gender-neutral pronouns in use. Here are a few examples:

They/them/theirs (Shea ate their food because they were hungry.) This is a pretty common gender-neutral pronoun and it can be used in the singular (and is considered grammatically correct to do so.)
Ze/hir/hir (Tyler ate hir food because ze was hungry.) Ze is pronounced like “zee” can also be spelled zie or xe, and replaces she/he/they. Hir is pronounced like “here” and replaces her/hers/him/his/they/theirs.
Just my name please! (Ash ate Ash’s food because Ash was hungry) Some people prefer not to use pronouns at all, using their name as a pronoun instead.

This is not an exhaustive list! There are additional sets of pronouns that some people might use (e.g. ze/zir, per/pers, ey/em, xe/xem, etc.). Please check with the person who goes by those pronouns and/or look for online resources to determine the proper ways to utilize them. Some people go by multiple sets of pronouns, and usually that means that it is okay to use any of the sets they go by. Some people ask that others vary the pronouns that are used within certain sets of pronouns.

If in doubt about what that means for someone or to request examples of how to do that in practice, let the person know you want to be supportive and ask the person for more information or examples so that you can get it right.

Never refer to a person as “it” or “he-she”. These are offensive slurs used against trans and gender non-conforming individuals.

What if I mess up?

It’s okay! Everyone slips up from time to time. The best thing to do if you use the wrong pronoun for someone is to say something right away, like “Sorry, I meant (insert pronoun)”

If you realize your mistake after the fact, apologize in private and move on.

A lot of the time it can be tempting to go on and on about how bad you feel that you messed up or how hard it is for you to get it right. Please don’t! It is inappropriate and makes the person who was misgendered feel awkward and responsible for comforting you, which is absolutely not their job.

What if someone else makes a mistake?

If someone else uses the wrong pronouns for a mutual acquaintance, it may be best gently reinforce their correct pronouns with a statement in the conversation using those pronouns. This might be better than actively correcting because the acquaintance may not have previously discussed their pronouns with everyone, or may only be out to certain people. That’s why sometimes simply responding to conversations using what you understand to be the correct pronouns can be more helpful than other approaches. Of course, if your acquaintance has told you they want you to actively correct other people, go for the educational approach!