Story by: Anonymous

Context: This was a letter written by one of our class members to/for their old evangelical non-denominational church who had removed them from a worship band leadership position after they publicly revealed their gay relationship with their partner (now fiancée!). It is filled with sarcasm, pain, and anger to highlight some of the problematic theology, hermeneutics, and exegesis that the non-affirming church employs to ostracize queer folk and its dangerous effects on individuals. This experience is sadly only one of many stories of how queer Christians have experienced pain in the church.  

Dear Non-Affirming Christians,  

I’m sorry that I’ve failed you… I’ll try to do better. 

You wanted me to become the first black pastor of your church so that I could increase diversity in the church, and I failed. You trained me to be a discipling, multiplying machine, and I failed. You gave me special attention and special access, and I failed to utilize your sacrifices for me.  

I’m sorry I let IT take me over. I guess I was just faulty from the beginning. I just couldn’t overcome my sexuality. You told me how to deal with it over and over again: “You must die to yourself so that Christ can live more through you. Your sexuality doesn’t define you, Christ does. Therefore, same sex attractions aren’t really YOU. That’s just a result of the fall where your sexuality was distorted. Trust that Jesus is good and will help carry this cross of yours.” I tried to do this for 5+ years just like you taught me. I memorized verses, read Joe Dallas’ book, listened to sermon after sermon from conservative pastors on sexuality, joined a same-sex attractions support group, prayed and fasted, deceivingly convinced myself and shared on stage multiple times that I had found peace with God on my sexuality, and so many other things. I should’ve made closer note of all the methods you recommended for me. I guess I’ve lost my way. 

You probably knew this would eventually happen, so thank you for encouraging me to have close Christian friends to rebuke me just in case I ever lost my way. Please pray for me! None of my closest church friends support my current life choices. I’m sorry friends. I’ve been deceived by the evil one to think that my gayness is accepted by God. I forgot that the same-sex attractions within me weren’t really ME, and now I’ve been deceived to think that these attractions are normal and a part of me that God gave me. See how far I’ve fallen! Elders, I can’t believe you were so gracious with me that after knowing that I had fallen this far. As long as the congregation didn’t know that I was dating a guy, you let me still enjoy singing on stage. Damn I blew it! My sinful attractions have overcome me and it’s all ruined! I deserved to be punished. It’s only fair. I tried to become straight or at the very least bisexual, but again I just utterly failed you. 

But why do I feel so much freer and alive? Even my amazing counselor confirmed these positive changes.

Oh gosh, even he must be deceived! How could my gayness taking over seem to do so much good for me???! Please, pastors, tell me? I’m trying to be teachable and submit to your patriarchal leadership here.  

You’ve told me that the confusion in my sexuality might be a mental thing brought upon by my story. Yes, I confess, I have had all the ingredients in my story for the recipe of homosexuality, but I’m confused. Yes, I’ve had my fair share of daddy issues, a close relationship with a maternal figure, relational rejection from people of my same sex, insecurities as a man, but these happened after my being attracted to the same sex.

The only confusion I’ve experienced in my sexuality is that of your trying to tell me that my attractions to the same sex are not really me.

Perhaps I’m just not really in touch with the spirit or something. The writer of 1 Corinthians resonates with me when they wrote: “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” You might get mad at me for this, but your arguments remind me of this childishness. My sexuality is a cross that I must bear? I tried so hard, but I am just not convinced! Please forgive me elders!  

You know that verse, "Bad company corrupts good character?” I confess I’ve been around some bad company! In January, an ex-pastor now historical theologian told me that homosexuality wasn’t a sin. WHHHHHHHAAAAATTTTT??? I should’ve nipped that thought at the bud, but it’s always been within me, and his rhetoric was so shrewd and effective. He gave me scholarly resources to read on the topic, and the thoughts these authors brought up just made sense to my sinful self. I even learned Biblical Greek to read the original New Testament Scriptures when I should’ve been dedicating more time to small group planning and staff apprenticeship. I explored the ambiguous Greek translations and learned how the word “homosexual” was only recently was introduced to the English Bible. I tried to fight this conversion. I even thought about the whole heterosexual normativity thing, but then I realized I’m not normal and I’m not heterosexual! And what do I do with intersex people? Who are they supposed to marry? I became deceived by so many other things. This is all I can muster to confess for now while being kind to myself, just like you taught me. I spent so much time praying, journaling, getting counsel, and reading, but I lost. These scholars and liberals just got to me! I was defeated. I’m so weak-willed. Please forgive me pastors! See I guess I was never cut out to be a pastor at this patriarchal institution.  

My last confession: I don’t know if we were trying to serve the same God.

Over the past year, I realized that I had somehow gained some Pharisaic tendencies. I was placing principles over people (myself mostly) and I allowed my ability to interpret the Bible to become my God! Where could I have learned this?  

I’ve fallen too much to be considered a member of your church.

Author Austen Hartke and M, transgender Christians said, “My metric for measuring a life of faith was changed. My understanding of Scripture became filtered through this question: ‘Does this behavior, or identity, or way of being in the world create life? Within a person or within the community?’”

This line of thinking has become my way of interpreting Scripture. I’m sorry that I can no longer listen to how you taught me to read Scripture. I’m no longer teachable to you and I’m no longer of any use to you.

I’ve never felt this close to the Infinite Creator before and never felt this large of a capacity to love my neighbors, and yet I’ve strayed so far from what you stand for.  

I’m too far gone! I no longer believe in the hell that you do. I no longer believe in the “Good News” that you do. I no longer believe in the conservative traditionalist view of sexuality that you do. Yet somehow, I love Jesus????!!! How can this be? Please pray for me! 

Much Love & Apologies, 

A Gay Christian